We’ll have a meeting, and you’ll take it up on the big screen.

My coworkers, after hearing I had completed a certification exam, telling me they would log in as one of the managers so I could take the test on his account, and everyone else could copy my answers.

Chrissy: Are you coming with us tomorrow?
Sharon: Hell yeah.
Chrissy: Really? Because you always say you’re coming and you never come.
Sharon: Hey, I came once!

Kevin: I already answered that part.
Evan: You already answered that fart?
Kevin: No, I already answered that part.
Evan: Did he just say “I already answered that fart?”
Leann: I think he said “I already answered that fart… with another fart.”

The people in my office say some crazy things.

Allie: You really have to be in the mood for a shocker.

my co-worker, talking about candy on her desk… but the pause after that line above was enough to make my ears perk up

Allie: They don’t take off their stripper boots when they’re doing porn.
Rick: I don’t know what kind of porn you watch.
Allie: Skinemax.
Rick: It’s almost porn.
Arnold: That should be their new slogan.

in an e-mail I received:

I’ve confirmed delivery through all of last week. You are free to pull individual reports.

As soon as I get my data dumps, I will begin work on the overall product report.

Five minutes earlier, I ran into this guy in the bathroom; he was coming out of a stall. I firmly believe he called them “data dumps” to give himself a little chuckle.

Woman One: What floor?
someone: lobby, please
Woman Two: Oh, hi.
Woman One: Hi!
the elevator door closes
Woman Two: I tried that thing… you know?
Woman One: Oh? *smiles widely* And?
Woman Two: It was great. Thanks so much for recommending it.
Woman One: No problem. I’ve been using it for a month already and–
Woman Two: I can tell!
Woman One: So you really like it?
Woman Two: Yeah, definitely.
they share a laugh, the elevator door opens, and we all exit

I have no idea what they were talking about, but I really want to know.

two co-workers talking about this

Luke: it’s coming down
Leah: what, did they shoot a hole in it?
Luke: no, I think it deflated on its own
Leah: that’s what she said

Holly: That was either a really small whale or a really big dolphin.

everyone on the floor turned their heads toward Holly’s desk at the exact same moment

Ken: Someone keeps stealing shit out of my drawer.
Will: Do you lock it?
Ken: Yeah.
Ron: Take the key home with you.
Ken:: But what if Will needs to get something out of there? (Will and Ken often work on the same projects.)
Ron: If you want, you can hide the key in my secret box.
Will: *titters*
Ron: That wasn’t supposed to be as dirty as it sounded.
Ken and Will: *laughter*

Karen:I don’t know how big this thing is.
Everyone Else In The Office: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
Karen:*facepalm*

Jack: It’s like a Band-Aid — just one quick pull and it’s done.
Kate: I don’t even know what that means!
someone: THAAAAAT’S what she said.

someone and his co-workers

Carmen: anyone want this tackle box?
Ken: I’ll take it. It’ll be perfect for my wife’s tools.
Ron: I don’t want to know about your wife’s tool.
Ken: Tools! Tools!
Ron: That’s even worse!
Ken: Her woodworking tools!
Ron: Again…
Ken: No, like a saw and such.
Ron: Ouch!

Sent to me in e-mail. Ken gave up trying to explain shortly thereafter.

Henry: *looking across the room to the manager’s office* Is she still on the phone?
Grace: *curiously* Why? Do you have to show her your thingy?
Henry: *pauses*
Grace: *blushes*
Henry: No. No, I don’t.