Kim: Not that I did it for the balls.
Jerry: No, but your dues in Montgomery paid for it.
Kim: Yeah, they paid for my balls.

Co-workers discussing the Junior League and the attending of balls — dances, that is. “That’s what she said” was liberally applied at various points in the conversation.

I have a very strong credo I follow with my — and [my wife's] — genetalia: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Sure, it could probably be better, but you know what? It’s great, and it functions. So no piercings, no pills… just lube and champagne.

Said to someone during a discussion about marijuana.

Mindy: I get no alone time anymore
Mindy: I was masturbating this morning or trying to
Mindy: and husband walked in, interrupting, three times
Peter: you’d think he’d… you know… INVITE HIMSELF TO JOIN YOU IN BED?????
Peter: your wife is on the bed, playing with herself
Peter: BE LATE.
Mindy: ~rolls eyes~
Mindy: that would be nice

Larry: gotta love errors on a big site like that
Nicholas: speaking as someone who runs a big site — content people are fucking morons who don’t care about the internet at all, and trying to get them to proofread is more difficult than autofellatio
Nicholas: and about as personally rewarding to try and do
Larry: i dunno, autofellatio is way difficult, but i’d have to imagine the reward is great
Nicholas: broken neck?
Larry: actually, thats just sick
Nicholas: exactly
Nicholas: I was going to go with “less rewarding than being repeatedly kicked in the nuts” but I flipped a mental coin and it came up blowjob

Karen:I don’t know how big this thing is.
Everyone Else In The Office: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
Karen:*facepalm*

someone: I’m very proud of my daughter.
dad: Why is that?
someone: Not only did she make a big poop in the potty today… *dramatic pause* …but it was so big that it clogged the toilet!
dad: *dissolves into gales of laughter, unable to speak for a good 30 seconds*
someone: That’s my kid!

a conversation between someone and his father; someone’s daughter was three years old at this time

Jack: It’s like a Band-Aid — just one quick pull and it’s done.
Kate: I don’t even know what that means!
someone: THAAAAAT’S what she said.

someone and his co-workers

Carmen: anyone want this tackle box?
Ken: I’ll take it. It’ll be perfect for my wife’s tools.
Ron: I don’t want to know about your wife’s tool.
Ken: Tools! Tools!
Ron: That’s even worse!
Ken: Her woodworking tools!
Ron: Again…
Ken: No, like a saw and such.
Ron: Ouch!

Sent to me in e-mail. Ken gave up trying to explain shortly thereafter.

Ivan: http://textsfromlastnight.com/view/51583
Erika: Why does that strike me as a very sarcastic comment?
Ivan: dunno
Ivan: I thought it was funny
Erika: Oh no, it is
Erika: very funny
Ivan: well, YOU’RE interested in anal
Erika: EXACTLY

You also had some hesitancy with pooping in the toilet at first. I had to grab you when you started and put you on the seat until you would go by yourself. It only took a few times to get it down. (LOL!)

via e-mail

Henry: *looking across the room to the manager’s office* Is she still on the phone?
Grace: *curiously* Why? Do you have to show her your thingy?
Henry: *pauses*
Grace: *blushes*
Henry: No. No, I don’t.

Claudette: i feel like i haven’t talked to you in forever
someone: maybe a week
someone: ish
someone: in internet time that’s like a year

My daughter just took a gigantic poop — bigger than mine, and she’s only three. I’m so proud.

via Twitter

Fred: http://bible.cc/deuteronomy/23-1.htm — so people into CBT can’t enter heaven?
Ana: Also anything with its testicles bruised
Ana: wow
Fred: yep
Ana: so if i kick you in the balls then kill you, you wont go to heaven?
Fred: apparently
Fred: although it could mean not go to church
Fred: the house of the LORD
Fred: I’d take a cockpunch if it meant I was barred from going to church ever again

Note from someone: The Fred/Ana conversations are all the same two people talking.

Ana: so it seems that whole sex-problem thing we were having is over
Fred: that’s good
Ana: OMGZ YES