Complimenting others is a lot like anal. It’s uncomfortable and usually the only real reason to do it is to get something.

seen in “Something Positive” by R.K. Milholland

Tom: sometimes though the old stuff is the best
Tom: ideepthroat.com, for example
Tom: just imagine if her husband had been, like, only six inches
Tom: I’m sure they’d have a wonderful life together
Tom: but, I mean… all that talent would have gone undiscovered
Irv: it’s true!
Tom: and how about kacey… if her boyfriend hadn’t dumped her in HS (which is what I think happened), we’d never know she could take a 10-incher in the ass without flinching

Warning: search terms and URLs in this post will return NSFW content.

I have a very strong credo I follow with my — and [my wife's] — genetalia: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Sure, it could probably be better, but you know what? It’s great, and it functions. So no piercings, no pills… just lube and champagne.

Said to someone during a discussion about marijuana.

Mindy: I get no alone time anymore
Mindy: I was masturbating this morning or trying to
Mindy: and husband walked in, interrupting, three times
Peter: you’d think he’d… you know… INVITE HIMSELF TO JOIN YOU IN BED?????
Peter: your wife is on the bed, playing with herself
Peter: BE LATE.
Mindy: ~rolls eyes~
Mindy: that would be nice

Larry: gotta love errors on a big site like that
Nicholas: speaking as someone who runs a big site — content people are fucking morons who don’t care about the internet at all, and trying to get them to proofread is more difficult than autofellatio
Nicholas: and about as personally rewarding to try and do
Larry: i dunno, autofellatio is way difficult, but i’d have to imagine the reward is great
Nicholas: broken neck?
Larry: actually, thats just sick
Nicholas: exactly
Nicholas: I was going to go with “less rewarding than being repeatedly kicked in the nuts” but I flipped a mental coin and it came up blowjob

Ivan: http://textsfromlastnight.com/view/51583
Erika: Why does that strike me as a very sarcastic comment?
Ivan: dunno
Ivan: I thought it was funny
Erika: Oh no, it is
Erika: very funny
Ivan: well, YOU’RE interested in anal
Erika: EXACTLY

Fred: http://bible.cc/deuteronomy/23-1.htm — so people into CBT can’t enter heaven?
Ana: Also anything with its testicles bruised
Ana: wow
Fred: yep
Ana: so if i kick you in the balls then kill you, you wont go to heaven?
Fred: apparently
Fred: although it could mean not go to church
Fred: the house of the LORD
Fred: I’d take a cockpunch if it meant I was barred from going to church ever again

Note from someone: The Fred/Ana conversations are all the same two people talking.

sane: http://textsfromlastnight.com/view/51147
someone: hilarious
someone: though I would worry that if the girl didn’t think so, you’re only inches away from a cockpunch