We’ll have a meeting, and you’ll take it up on the big screen.

My coworkers, after hearing I had completed a certification exam, telling me they would log in as one of the managers so I could take the test on his account, and everyone else could copy my answers.

Chrissy: Are you coming with us tomorrow?
Sharon: Hell yeah.
Chrissy: Really? Because you always say you’re coming and you never come.
Sharon: Hey, I came once!

Kevin: I already answered that part.
Evan: You already answered that fart?
Kevin: No, I already answered that part.
Evan: Did he just say “I already answered that fart?”
Leann: I think he said “I already answered that fart… with another fart.”

The people in my office say some crazy things.

Allie: You really have to be in the mood for a shocker.

my co-worker, talking about candy on her desk… but the pause after that line above was enough to make my ears perk up

Allie: They don’t take off their stripper boots when they’re doing porn.
Rick: I don’t know what kind of porn you watch.
Allie: Skinemax.
Rick: It’s almost porn.
Arnold: That should be their new slogan.

in an e-mail I received:

I’ve confirmed delivery through all of last week. You are free to pull individual reports.

As soon as I get my data dumps, I will begin work on the overall product report.

Five minutes earlier, I ran into this guy in the bathroom; he was coming out of a stall. I firmly believe he called them “data dumps” to give himself a little chuckle.

Woman One: What floor?
someone: lobby, please
Woman Two: Oh, hi.
Woman One: Hi!
the elevator door closes
Woman Two: I tried that thing… you know?
Woman One: Oh? *smiles widely* And?
Woman Two: It was great. Thanks so much for recommending it.
Woman One: No problem. I’ve been using it for a month already and–
Woman Two: I can tell!
Woman One: So you really like it?
Woman Two: Yeah, definitely.
they share a laugh, the elevator door opens, and we all exit

I have no idea what they were talking about, but I really want to know.

two co-workers talking about this

Luke: it’s coming down
Leah: what, did they shoot a hole in it?
Luke: no, I think it deflated on its own
Leah: that’s what she said

Holly: That was either a really small whale or a really big dolphin.

everyone on the floor turned their heads toward Holly’s desk at the exact same moment

Anna: You know, you’re not really selling me on being a mother.
Teri: It comes back. You just have to work out. The muscles come back.
Anna: *long pause* Um… what are we talking about, exactly?

a conversation between co-workers that was walked in on at the end. no one knows exactly what they were discussing.

Joey: What did you want to do about that order?
Jon: I’m leaning toward “not giving a shit”.

Manny: Seeing the extra butter on your desk like that reminds me of my friend Javier. He likes to cook, and he keeps the butter in a covered dish on his stove.
Tracy: I know… my father likes it hard and cold, which makes it so difficult to spread.

Tracy had half a pat of butter on a plate on her desk from her breakfast.

Manny: I’m old-school. I do everything the hard way.
Tracy: Oh, no, no. I like it easy. And if I don’t have to use my fingers, even better.

two co-workers discussing the relative merits of document design in word and powerpoint

Duane: I’m getting a pump from my mom, and I think you all know what that means…
Manny: I think that’s inappropriate. *laughing*

A co-worker talking about how he’s going to get water out of his basement after a recent flood.

Rintoo: *on the television* Are you sad because Yie-Yie’s *garbled*-nk you party was messed up?
Father: Spank you party?
Mother: Daddy! It’s “thank you” party!
Father: Well, that’s not what I heard.

“Rintoo” is a character on the TV show “Ni Hao Kai Lan”.